Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
