A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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