Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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