it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
