I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
