He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
