You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
