Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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