Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
