i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
