I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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