i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
