then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
