Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
