today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Someone signed my nipple.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
