I wish I could teleport
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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