we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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