If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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