Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
