my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
