If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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