I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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