he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
