So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
