how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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