dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
