If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
