when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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