So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
