there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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