I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
