your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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