So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
