never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
