The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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