Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
