I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
