I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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