I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
