So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
