i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
