i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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