Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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