This girl is more easily done than said...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
