Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
