I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
