So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
