Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My penis needs a shock collar
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
