He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
