THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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