Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Help. Why am I so naked?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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