youre lurking in front of me
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
